A Life Remembered

I hope I never forget
the smell of her perfume
her red hair
stories about the beaches in Florida
her homemade pizza, spaghetti and meatballs, and macaroni and cheese
her glasses on a chain around her neck
her laugh
her smile
her love of the color pink
what a giver she was
how onery she was and how my brother teased her
comparing dyed eggs at Easter with my Granny to see whose turned out best
cracking Easter eggs on her head
tennis balls she gave my brother and I that bounced out of the court into her yard
her bright floral couch
the orange tree by her back door
the box of old jewelry she let me have
the little blue bear she gave Baden the last time he visited her

I saw my Great Aunt Ocie for the last time on Memorial Day when I went to the nursing home to visit my Grandma.  My Aunt Ocie was a special lady. She was a widow ever since I was a baby. She had been married to an Italian named Gambini and made some of the best Italian food in her younger days and I am fortunate to have her recipe for spaghetti and meatballs. She had no kids of her own, and celebrated all of the holidays with our extended family.  There's no way my mom could prepare me for the sight of my Aunt. She told me I wouldn't recognize her, but I wanted to visit her anyway. It was something I HAD to do. When we walked into her room, I instantly recognized her little bruised arms and crooked fingers. Only by God's grace did I not choke up and bawl in that room. I tried to talk to her but could barely understand her weak little voice. I offered to rub some lotion on her arms and told her she smelled good-that's the best way I could show her that day that I loved her. It was the hardest thing I've done in my life and I felt like I instantly matured by about 10 years. She asked me to get some money out of a red pouch in her drawer so she could leave a tip for her nurse. Inside the drawer, I saw a stack of old papers tied with a rubber band, and on the top was a picture of Baden.  I told her I loved her and left the room and cried. I knew she was about to die. All week I could not get the image of her out of my mind, an image of a frail old lady who barely resembled my Aunt Ocie. Fortunately I had an appointment with a professional this week who helped me work though the trauma of seeing her like that.

My dad called me this morning and told me she had passed yesterday. I am so thankful I got to see her on Monday. I hope she knew she was loved.

Grandma

She looked beautiful when I walked into the lobby. Her hair was fixed, makeup done, and she had a big smile on her face.  Today was the first time I went to visit my dear Grandma in her new "home", a nursing home.
No one knew I had driven past the nursing home minutes earlier, and was parked in an empty church parking lot, crying and trying to pull myself together before I went in.
We ate lunch together and I got to see her new room, which reminded me of my college dorm room, but she had even less space.  We sat in the "sunroom" for a couple hours and visited.
After our visit, my mom took me to my Grandma's house, for what may be the last time before it goes up for sale.  I wanted one last chance to get a few of my Grandma's belongings that are special to me-her broken mirror that I used to watch her use when she painted on her eyebrows, two spools of thread-my Grandma used to make some of the most beautiful quilts, and a glass out of her cupboard that I remember drinking out of ever since I was a little girl.
My Grandma is a special part of my life. For the past 33 years, I have gone to her house for nearly every major holiday. Some of my fondest childhood memories are visiting her in the summer and getting to spend days at her house.

Today I wish I could have just been a child again,
to have my mom and dad drop me off at Grandma and Grandpa's for the week (at their old house when Grandpa was still living)
to work a jigsaw puzzle on the floor
to sit on their porch and listen to the birds
to have my own cup of coffee that they let me drink
to play in the gravel driveway
to pick seeds from her 4 o'clock plants
to go to the grocery store where Grandma would buy me ritz crackers and tang
to take a bath in the old claw foot tub with her pink bubble bath
to sleep by the window with the attic fan blowing
to go down to the basement and watch my grandma do laundry then hang it on the line to dry

I am thankful to still have my Grandma.
But today I am sad. Sad because I will never get to go to Grandma's "house" to visit her again.